3 Women Die and Get to Heaven

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on - very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

Women Airline Crew

As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts etc. Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell and crew take you safely to your destination."

Joe sitting in the 8th row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right - is the captain a woman? I think I better have scotch and soda."

When the attendants came by with drink cart, he said, "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"

"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."

"My God," said Joe, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."

"That's another thing," said the attendant, "We no longer call it the cockpit."

Even more Different Stages of a Woman's Life

Favorite drink:
Age 17: Wine Coolers
Age 25: White wine
Age 35: Red wine
Age 48: Dom Perignon
Age 66: Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

Excuses for refusing dates:
17: Need to wash my hair
25: Need to wash and condition my hair
35: Need to colour my hair
48: Need to have Francois color my hair
66: Need to have Francois color my wig

The Ages of a Woman Joke

Out of all women jokes there are some that are quite similar to reality. This is definitely one of them. So how does your wife/girlfriend fit in?

1. Between the ages of 16 and 18, she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored.
2. Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic.
3. Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America, fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources.
4. Between the ages of 46 and 56, she is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest.
5. After 56 she is like Australia, everybody knows it's down there but who gives a damn?

More Short Q and A funny women jokes

Q&A Short Woman Joke 1:

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it

Q&A Short Woman Joke 2:

Why do women close their eyes during sex?
They can't stand to see a man have a good time.

Q&A Short Woman Joke 2:

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

Q&A Short Woman Joke 2:

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

The Chemical Analysis of a Woman

Element : Woman
Symbol : Wo
Atomic Weight : Accepted as 118, but known to vary 105-175.
Discoverer : Adam
Occurrence : Copious quantities in all Urban areas, with slightly lower
concentrations in Suburban and Rural areas. Subject to seasonal
fluctuations.

Physical Properties :
a) Surface usually covered with painted film.
b) Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
c) Melts if given special treatment.
d) Bitter if used incorrectly. Can cause headaches. Handle with care!
e) Found in various states; ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
f) Yields to pressure applied to correct points.

Chemical Properties :
a) Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and many precious stones.
b) Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
c) May explode spontaneously if left alone on dates.
d) Insoluble in liquids, but there is increased activity when saturated in
alcohol to a certain point.
e) Repels cheap material. Neutral to common sense.
f) Most powerful money reducing agent known to Man.

Uses :
a) Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
b) Can greatly improve relaxation levels.
c) Can warm and comfort under some circumstances.
d) Can cool things down when it's too hot.

Tests :
a) Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state.
b) Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

Caution :
a) Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Use extreme care when handling.
b) Illegal to possess more than one.

Short Q&A Women Jokes

Q&A Joke 1:

What do a carpet and a woman have in common?
If you lay them right the first time you can then walk all over them later.

Q&A Joke 2:

Want to hear a good joke?
Women's rights.

Q&A Joke 3:

Why did the woman cross the road?
It does not matter. Why was she out of the kitchen?

Q&A Joke 4:

Why can't a woman ski?
Because there is no snow between the kitchen and the bedroom.

Q&A Joke 5:

How can you tell if the wife is dead?
The sex is absolutely the same but the dishes simply pile up.

Q&A Joke 6:

Why don't women need watches?
Because there are clocks on stoves.

Q&A Joke 7:

Why do the call it PMS?
Because mad cow disease was already taken.

2 Women - A Man and the Grim Reaper Joke

The first woman joke on this site. Hope you like it!

2 women and a man are standing by a fast river when the Grim Reaper comes and says to them that either they cross the river or he kills them. The first woman dives in an drowns immedietly. The second woman jumps in and makes it half way across but drowns. The grim Reaper says to the man:

"Now what will you do?" The man says: "I'll go across the bridge."