What does the Woman Actually Mean?

We all have problems understanding women. If the next lines are true or not you decide. Here is what a woman says and what she actually means:

No = Yes.
Of course I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
I might as well tell you Bob and I are seeing each other = Bob and I are having sex.
I feel I've known you my whole life = I'm drunk.
Will you respect me in the morning? = You won't tell your friends, will you?
I never do this on my first date = I always do this on my first date.
Don't touch me there = Touch me there, but I'm going to stop you
You're...so manly = You need to shave and you sweat a lot.
Hello? Oh yes. Didn't we meet at the bar Friday night? = I've been waiting by the phone for three days
Let's not talk "commitment". Let's just see what happens = I'm not taking any birth control pills.
You're certainly lovely tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
I can't believe you're here.It must be fate = I've been following you all day.
I'm particular who I have sex with = I draw the line at barnyard animals.
I'm not emotional and I'm not over-reacting = I'm having my period.
I hope you're not disappointed =I'm flat chested.
Want to come upstairs for a nightcap? = Want to come upstairs and have sex?
Just come upstairs for a drink = Maybe if I get you drunk you'll have sex with me.
I love a man who takes charge = You're picking up the bill, aren't you?
Be romantic...turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.