Funny Women Jokes

How Much is a Woman's Brain Worth?

2010-07-19T07:54:00.000-07:00

Be advised! This is a woman joke for the ladies.

A family went to a hospital, where one of their relatives would be having a brain transplant. One of the relatives asked, "What will the cost of a new brain be?" The doctor replied, "A female brain costs $25,000 and a male brain costs $50,000." The men smirked, but one of the females asked, "Why is that, doctor?" "Well," the doctor replied, "...the female brains must be marked down because they have been used before!"

The Farmer's Shotgun

2010-07-19T07:49:00.000-07:00

We understand that this is not really a women joke but it was still funny so we had to put it on. Be careful what you say to some people, especially when they have a shotgun and they are asking your daughter out.

Did you hear the one about the overprotective farmer and his three daughters?

Whenever one of his daughters had a date, he would meet the young man at the door with a shotgun in his hand.

One night, all three daughters had dates. When the first date rang the bell, the farmer picked up his shotgun and answered the door. "Hi, I'm Eddie," said the boy, "I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get spaghetti."

The farmer didn't care much for poetry, but let his oldest daughter go out anyway.

A little bit later the doorbell rang again. The farmer grabbed his shotgun, opened the door, and the boy said "Hi, I'm Joe. I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show."

The farmer let his middle daughter out for the evening.

With only his youngest daughter left at home, the doorbell rang again. Shotgun in hand the farmer opened the door.

"Hi, I'm Chuck..." began the boy.

The farmer shot him.

The Radical Feminist Joke

2010-05-14T03:37:00.000-07:00

A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat. She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchial society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat," and she pushes him back onto the seat. A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is insulted again and refuses to let him up.
Finally, the man says, "Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm two miles past my stop already."

Sexist Women Jokes - A Lesson in Maths

2010-03-12T15:29:00.000-08:00

Human = eat + sleep + work + enjoy
Pigs = eat + sleep
Hence, Human = Pigs + work + enjoy
If, Human - enjoy = Pigs + work
In other words,
Human that don't enjoy = pigs that work

Men = eat + sleep + earn money
Pigs = eat + sleep
Hence, Men = Pigs + earn money
If Men - earn money = Pigs
In other words,
Men that don't earn money = Pigs

Women = eat + sleep + spend
Pigs = eat + sleep
Hence,
Women = Pigs + spend
If, Women - spend = Pigs
In other words,

Women that don't spend = Pigs

Summary:
Men earn money not to let women become pigs!
Women spend not to let men become pigs!

Men + Women = 2 Pigs
Wish all the pigs to be happy forever. ...thats Maths!!!

Other Women Jokes - Can You Please Women?

2010-03-12T15:24:00.000-08:00

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

Marriage Women Jokes - Be Careful with the Wedding Vow

2010-03-08T08:34:00.000-08:00

You should be really careful what happens with your wedding vow. Also, make sure that you pay attention and do not think aloud or this marriage women joke might be reality:

During the weeks before Amy's wedding, she was terribly anxious about making some mistakes at the ceremony. The minister reassured her several times, pointing out that the service was not difficult and she will do just fine.

"All you have to remember," he said, "is that when you enter the church you walk up the AISLE. The groom and best man will be waiting before the ALTAR. Then I shall request the congregation to sing a HYMN... then we shall get on with the ceremony. All you have to remember is the order in which those things happen and you can't go wrong."

The happy day finally arrived, and the bridegroom waited nervously for his bride to appear.

When she arrived and stood alongside him, he heard her quietly repeating to herself, "Aisle, altar, hymn, aisle, altar, hymn." Or, as it sounded to him, "I'll alter him!"

Sexist Women Jokes - Breast Differences

2010-02-10T14:26:00.000-08:00

Women with big breasts…

•..can get a taxi on the worst days

•..have a neat place to carry spare change

•..have always been the centre of the arts

•..make jogging a spectator sport

•..can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub

•..usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie

•..always float better

•..know where to look first for lost earrings

•..rarely lack for a slow dance partner

•..have a place to set their glasses when sitting in an armless recliner

Women with small breasts…

•..don’t cause a traffic accident every time they bend over in public

•..always look younger

•..find that dribbled food makes it to the napkin on their lap

•..can always see their toes and shoes

•..can sleep on their stomachs

•..have no trouble sliding behind the wheel of small cars

•..know that people can read the entire message on their t-shirts

•..can come late to a theatre and not disrupt an entire aisle

•..can take aerobic class without running the risk of knocking themselves out.

Short Marriage Women Jokes You Will Like

2010-02-10T14:18:00.000-08:00

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said," Dust!"

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.

If you want your wife to listen and pay attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Stupid Women Jokes - The Bet with the Blonde Woman

2010-02-08T14:02:00.000-08:00

A redhead walks into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. She sits down next to this blonde at the bar and stares up at the TV. The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The redhead turns to the blonde and says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

The redhead placed $20 dollars on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 dollars to the redhead and said, "All is fair. Here is your money."

The redhead replies, "Honey, I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."

The blonde replies, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again"

Other Women Jokes - I want to Understand Women

2010-02-08T07:50:00.000-08:00

A man is walking down a beach, and accidentally kicks a bottle out of the sand. He opens the bottle, and a genie appears. The genie said,

"I am so grateful to get out of that bottle that I will grant you one wish. I can only grant one."

The man thought for a while and finally said,

"I have always wanted to go to Hawaii. I've never been able to go because airplanes are much too frightening for me and boats make me seasick. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii."

The genie thought for a few minutes and said,

"No, I can't do it. Imagine all the work involved. All the piling to hold up the highway needed and all the pavement. Ask for something else."

"Well," the man said. "I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with. Basically, what makes them tick."

The genie considered this for a couple of minutes and said,

"So, do you want that road two lanes or four?"

Stupid Women Jokes - Why Choose the Cat?

2010-01-20T14:51:00.000-08:00

A woman managed to save the life of a fairy. As a result that fairy promised the woman to grant her 3 wishes.

The first one was that she became beautiful and young again. The fairy immediately granted the wish.

The second one was that she became the richest in the world. The fairy immediately granted the wish.

The third one was that her cat was turned into a handsome man that loved her since the cat has been near her for a long time. The fairy immediately granted the wish.

Then the fairy left and the cat came near the woman. He said:

"Now I am sure that you are sorry that you neutered me!"

Some Funny Q and A Short Women Jokes

2010-01-20T14:03:00.000-08:00

The following funny women jokes can be put in different categories but we will add them all at the same time. Hope you like them!

Q: what is the huge difference between a terrorist and a girl?

A: You can not negotiate with any woman.

Q: What is the difference between a gun and a girl?

A: You Can not put any silencer on the woman.

Q: Why is a man smarter than a woman?

A: Because he has 2 heads.

And the last funny woman joke at the moment is actually both a short joke and a sexist woman joke:

Q: Why Did God Always say that the man is better than the woman?

A: Because God found a big leakage in the body of the woman.

Rules for Women Written by Men

2010-01-12T05:24:00.000-08:00

Well, the truth is that we men have a lot of rules put upon us by women. Here are those rules that we should have for women.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us griping about you leaving it down.

2. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

3. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

4. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

5. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

6. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

7. Crying is blackmail.

8. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

9. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

10. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty,
would look good with your dress?

11. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

12. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

13. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

14. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

15. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

16. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

17. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

18. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

19. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

20. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

21. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

22. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

23. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

24. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

25. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

26. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

27. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

28. You have enough clothes.

29. You have too many shoes.

30. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying anyway.)

31. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

32. I am in shape. ROUND is a shape.

33. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.

A Few Random Sexist Women Jokes

2010-01-08T00:55:00.000-08:00

Sexist Woman Joke 1:

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, you already told her twice.

Sexist Woman Joke 2:

What's the first thing a woman does when she gets back from the battered women's clinic?
The dishes if she knows what's good for her.

Sexist Woman Joke 3:

Why do women get married in white?
So they match the kitchen appliances!

Sexist Woman Joke 4:

Why is clinton gonna lose the election?
Cause she is a woman

Sexist Woman Joke 5:

Whats the difference between your wife and your dog?
Walking the dog is relaxing.

Sexist Woman Joke 6:

What if God's a woman? Not only am I going to hell, I'll never know why. - quote by Adam Ferrara

10 Reasons Why a Handgun is Better than a Woman

2010-01-04T06:02:00.000-08:00

10 - You can trade an old .44 for two new .22s.
9 - You can keep one handgun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
8 - If you admire a friend's handgun, and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
7 - Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a backup.
6 - Your handgun will stay with you even if you're out of ammo.
5 - A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
4 - Handguns function normally every day of the month.
3 - A handgun doesn't ask "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
2 - A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
1 - You can buy a silencer for a handgun.

What is The Difference Between Big Breasts and Small Breasts - Woman Joke

2010-01-03T13:04:00.000-08:00

Women with big breasts…

•..can get a taxi on the worst days
•..have a neat place to carry spare change
•..have always been the centre of the arts
•..make jogging a spectator sport
•..can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub
•..usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie
•..always float better
•..know where to look first for lost earrings
•..rarely lack for a slow dance partner
•..have a place to set their glasses when sitting in an armless recliner

Women with small breasts…

•..don’t cause a traffic accident every time they bend over in public
•..always look younger
•..find that dribbled food makes it to the napkin on their lap
•..can always see their toes and shoes
•..can sleep on their stomachs
•..have no trouble sliding behind the wheel of small cars
•..know that people can read the entire message on their t-shirts
•..can come late to a theatre and not disrupt an entire aisle
•..can take aerobic class without running the risk of knocking themselves out.

The Wife that Is Too Nagging

2010-01-03T12:53:00.000-08:00

Farmer Frank had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing.

One day when he was out in the field, Frank's wife brought his lunch to him. Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Frank's old mule kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, and killing her instantly.

At the wake, Frank's minister noticed that when the women offered their sympathy to Frank he would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.

When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Frank and asked, "Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?"

Well, Frank replied, "The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The men all asked, 'Is that mule for sale!?'"

What does the Woman Actually Mean?

2010-01-01T05:37:00.000-08:00

We all have problems understanding women. If the next lines are true or not you decide. Here is what a woman says and what she actually means:

No = Yes.
Of course I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
I might as well tell you Bob and I are seeing each other = Bob and I are having sex.
I feel I've known you my whole life = I'm drunk.
Will you respect me in the morning? = You won't tell your friends, will you?
I never do this on my first date = I always do this on my first date.
Don't touch me there = Touch me there, but I'm going to stop you
You're...so manly = You need to shave and you sweat a lot.
Hello? Oh yes. Didn't we meet at the bar Friday night? = I've been waiting by the phone for three days
Let's not talk "commitment". Let's just see what happens = I'm not taking any birth control pills.
You're certainly lovely tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
I can't believe you're here.It must be fate = I've been following you all day.
I'm particular who I have sex with = I draw the line at barnyard animals.
I'm not emotional and I'm not over-reacting = I'm having my period.
I hope you're not disappointed =I'm flat chested.
Want to come upstairs for a nightcap? = Want to come upstairs and have sex?
Just come upstairs for a drink = Maybe if I get you drunk you'll have sex with me.
I love a man who takes charge = You're picking up the bill, aren't you?
Be romantic...turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.

Does it Hurt to Become a Woman?

2010-01-01T05:14:00.000-08:00

A male-to-female transexual was recently interviewed on a radio talk show. The DJ asked the transexual about what, if any, pain the person experienced during the operation. The transexual replied,

"Well, when they cut my penis off, that really didn't hurt too much. Even when they implanted the breasts in my chest, well, that really didn't hurt too much either...."

"Then you didn't experience any real physical pain at all then?"

"Hell no! It hurt like hell when they stuck that big fucking needle in my head and sucked out all my brains and then cut my salary in half!"

3 Women Die and Get to Heaven

2009-12-28T03:56:00.001-08:00

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on - very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

Women Airline Crew

2009-12-28T03:53:00.000-08:00

As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts etc. Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell and crew take you safely to your destination."

Joe sitting in the 8th row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right - is the captain a woman? I think I better have scotch and soda."

When the attendants came by with drink cart, he said, "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"

"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."

"My God," said Joe, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."

"That's another thing," said the attendant, "We no longer call it the cockpit."

Even more Different Stages of a Woman's Life

2009-12-28T03:48:00.000-08:00

Favorite drink:
Age 17: Wine Coolers
Age 25: White wine
Age 35: Red wine
Age 48: Dom Perignon
Age 66: Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

Excuses for refusing dates:
17: Need to wash my hair
25: Need to wash and condition my hair
35: Need to colour my hair
48: Need to have Francois color my hair
66: Need to have Francois color my wig

Favorite sport:
17: Shopping
25: Shopping
35: Shopping
48: Shopping
66: Shopping

Definition of successful date:
17: "Burger King"
25: "Free meal"
35: "A diamond"
48: "A bigger diamond"
66: "Home Alone"

Favorite fantasy:
17: tall, dark and handsome
25: tall, dark and handsome with money
35: tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48: a man with hair (preferably not on back)
66: a man

Pet:
17: Muffy the cat
25: Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
35: Irish setter and Muffy the Cat
48: Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
66: Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muffy the Cat

Ideal age for marriage:
17: 17
25: 25
35: 35
48: 48
66: 66

Ideal date:
17: He offers to pay
25: He pays
35: He cooks breakfast the next morning
48: He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66: He can chew breakfast

The Ages of a Woman Joke

2009-12-28T03:44:00.000-08:00

Out of all women jokes there are some that are quite similar to reality. This is definitely one of them. So how does your wife/girlfriend fit in?

1. Between the ages of 16 and 18, she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored.
2. Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic.
3. Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America, fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources.
4. Between the ages of 46 and 56, she is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest.
5. After 56 she is like Australia, everybody knows it's down there but who gives a damn?

More Short Q and A funny women jokes

2009-12-28T03:38:00.000-08:00

Q&A Short Woman Joke 1:

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it

Q&A Short Woman Joke 2:

Why do women close their eyes during sex?
They can't stand to see a man have a good time.

Q&A Short Woman Joke 2:

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

Q&A Short Woman Joke 2:

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

The Chemical Analysis of a Woman

2009-12-27T06:28:00.000-08:00

Element : Woman
Symbol : Wo
Atomic Weight : Accepted as 118, but known to vary 105-175.
Discoverer : Adam
Occurrence : Copious quantities in all Urban areas, with slightly lower
concentrations in Suburban and Rural areas. Subject to seasonal
fluctuations.

Physical Properties :
a) Surface usually covered with painted film.
b) Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
c) Melts if given special treatment.
d) Bitter if used incorrectly. Can cause headaches. Handle with care!
e) Found in various states; ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
f) Yields to pressure applied to correct points.

Chemical Properties :
a) Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and many precious stones.
b) Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
c) May explode spontaneously if left alone on dates.
d) Insoluble in liquids, but there is increased activity when saturated in
alcohol to a certain point.
e) Repels cheap material. Neutral to common sense.
f) Most powerful money reducing agent known to Man.

Uses :
a) Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
b) Can greatly improve relaxation levels.
c) Can warm and comfort under some circumstances.
d) Can cool things down when it's too hot.

Tests :
a) Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state.
b) Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

Caution :
a) Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Use extreme care when handling.
b) Illegal to possess more than one.

Short Q&A Women Jokes

2009-12-27T06:05:00.000-08:00

Q&A Joke 1:

What do a carpet and a woman have in common?
If you lay them right the first time you can then walk all over them later.

Q&A Joke 2:

Want to hear a good joke?
Women's rights.

Q&A Joke 3:

Why did the woman cross the road?
It does not matter. Why was she out of the kitchen?

Q&A Joke 4:

Why can't a woman ski?
Because there is no snow between the kitchen and the bedroom.

Q&A Joke 5:

How can you tell if the wife is dead?
The sex is absolutely the same but the dishes simply pile up.

Q&A Joke 6:

Why don't women need watches?
Because there are clocks on stoves.

Q&A Joke 7:

Why do the call it PMS?
Because mad cow disease was already taken.

2 Women - A Man and the Grim Reaper Joke

2009-12-27T05:58:00.000-08:00

The first woman joke on this site. Hope you like it!

2 women and a man are standing by a fast river when the Grim Reaper comes and says to them that either they cross the river or he kills them. The first woman dives in an drowns immedietly. The second woman jumps in and makes it half way across but drowns. The grim Reaper says to the man:

"Now what will you do?" The man says: "I'll go across the bridge."